Angels Among Us Healing Grief - Part 2

Two years ago, you may recall reading one of my most popular blogs to date, Angels Among Us Healing Grief.  It had to do with our family feeling we received a sign from my grandmother who had recently died. I suppose it is only fitting that two years later, another wonderful sign would return.

Around the anniversary of my grandmother's passing, my mother (her daughter) won tickets to an early premiere of "Despicable Me 2" and my son couldn't wait to attend it with his grandfather.  It was held in Boston and the theater was packed.  A mother and daughter sitting behind my son asked him if he wouldn't mind watching their seats while they went to the bathroom before the movie began.  He said "of course" and they returned a short time later.  They thanked him profusely and the mother handed him a dollar bill and a mini Twix bar in exchange for his assistance. What they didn't know was that this is what my grandmother would give him every time he visited her.  Although my son didn't want to accept their generous reward (he was happy to do it), they insisted and he smiled knowing that Nani Jay was sending her love to him.  It immediately reminded him of her, without any prompting from an adult.  He couldn't wait to come home and share the story that Nani Jay said hello.  It brightened our families hearts and reassured us that she is looking after us.

What my son didn't readily share, however, was the fact that he gave that same dollar bill to a gentleman asking for change sitting outside of the theater.  "He needs it more than me, Bee," he told his grandfather as he walked past assuredly.  Thus, the circle of kindness and good deeds continues, adding a ray of light to what was just a typical day.

Never take for granted a small act of kindness or a quick conversation with a stranger.  Messages lie in wait around every corner if you are open to receiving them.  Whether they assure you that you are on the right path, not alone, or that better days are coming, remains to be seen.  It is up to you to find the meaning.  Don't be too busy to notice or too skeptical to accept them. Days can get pretty dark sometimes.  Momentary connections like these add meaning to life and make all the difference.

Epic Fail: A Cure for Anxiety?

Taking a tough exam.  Going on a date with someone new.  Meeting with your nit-picking boss.  Expensive home or car repair.  Things you can't change and have no control over.  Feeling anxious yet?  Probably -- and that is a good thing.  Being nervous over life's predicaments or challenges is common and expected.  You are supposed to feel butterflies in your stomach before a job interview or a big game.  Stressful events can leave you feeling unsettled.  Knowing you're in good company might help.  It is a part of life that we ALL go through and cannot avoid.  Yet sometimes we spend more time trying to fix situations to avoid anxiety that we end up with other problems, including depression, instead.

Life is difficult.  Failure, at times, is a certainty.  We've all struck out when bases were loaded, sang the wrong words to a song, didn't get the job, or waited for a call that never came.  Yet experiencing failure is what makes us able to tackle anxiety and learn that even though we failed, it was not the end of the world.  "I'm still standing," sang a wise Elton John.  You will not get every job or accolade in life.  The person you have eyes for may not have eyes for you.  And you most likely will not stay in the same career or relationship (including getting along with all of your relatives, not just your partner) for your entire life.  So why spend every day trying to have the perfect life and family when it is not how life is supposed to be lived?  When you realize this and lower your expectations a bit, anxiety often dissipates, too.

People with the best coping skills have experienced trouble and learned they can get through it - on their own.  Yes, we long for a comforting shoulder or ear to listen to us, but we want to be the one who ultimately solves the problem.  When parents or others try to take over, the result can be depression, making us think that we are incapable of doing things on our own without someone else intervening on our behalf.  Allow your child to learn from mistakes without trying to prevent them from happening all the time. The phrase "Epic fail!" was developed for a reason.  Just pick yourself up and try again.  The more you do, the less anxious you will feel.

So be prepared to fail once in a while and be ok with it.  Your nerves will thank you for it.  Trying again is the key.  Kids are born resilient and they will develop into resilient adults if parents let them.  Don't breed anxiety and depression by trying to prevent what is a crucial part of life.

To read more on this topic, including how overparenting can lead to anxiety and depression for the entire family, check out the article, "A Nation of Wimps" in Psychology Today.

Yes, you MAY...!

If you're anything like me, your time is probably spent focusing on others.  Whether it is getting our kids what they need, working extra hours, yard work, cleaning, cooking, etc -- our time is usually devoted to things we have or need to do instead of things we want to do.  Isn't it time to be a little selfish and do something for YOU?  The month of May is the perfect reminder for "Yes, you MAY..."  And I've got the perfect suggestion: schedule a foot reflexology appointment.

Practiced for thousand of years, originating in Egypt and China, foot reflexology is the art of massage using pressure points to relieve tension and stress, and possibly improve circulation.  Last June, my husband, son, and I tried it for the first time in Middleton at Foot Worx Reflexology and we were hooked!

No need to undress -- shorts, Capri pants, or pants that can roll above the knee are best.  It begins with a back, neck, and arm massage while sitting, as your feet soak in warm water.  Then you lie back under a blanket while the practitioner massages your lower legs and feet, applying light pressure to various areas.  Soothing music plays in the background and the experience wonderfully concludes with a hot stone rub.  The best part?  It only costs $30 for 30 minutes!  In actuality, with the back/neck/arm massage, you are typically there about 45 minutes.  And, trust me,  you will not want to leave! 

Want to connect with your teen?  Schedule an appointment together -- or even bring the whole family.  Go with someone you like a whole lot -- your partner and friends will thank you for it.  Need a wedding shower gift?  Buy the couple a session to help relax them before the big day.  But most of all, do it for yourself -- you MAY because you deserve it!  Heck, I've been twice this month!

Foot Worx Reflexology is located at 244 South Main Street (in the Dairy Queen plaza) in Middleton, MA.  To schedule an appointment, call 978-539-8966. 

Stay Strong, Boston

In an anxious time, when fears are realized and your mind becomes a fog amassed with confusion, may you gain strength from knowing that others care.  You are not alone.  Good triumphs over evil.  Don't let the horrible acts of a few change your faith in the world.  Take a break from your technology and spend time with those you love.  Call a friend you haven't talked to in a long time.  Take a long deep breath, and just be.

May you feel warmth and comfort amidst the darkness and uncertainty.  Hold your light high for all to see.  If your loved ones have been affected by the tragic events in Boston, I am so sorry.  May the love and beliefs of so many others who are thinking of Boston right now give you hope in the days ahead.

The Meaning of Life

On a recent trip to the New England Mobile Book Fair in Newton Highlands, I was browsing the kids' section with my son when "Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life" by Wendy Mass popped out at me from the stacks.  OK -- so maybe I'm not the most avid reader since I typically head to the kids' section. Yet, the meaning of life is something we all hope to learn, especially when things are not going as expected.  What could be better on a long winter day than indulging in a good book to uncover one of the deepest mysteries of all time? 

As I cuddled up at home with my new discovery, I learned that Jeremy, nearing his 13th birthday, received a mysterious box in the mail from his father who passed away several years before.  Because the keys are missing and there is no other way to open the intricate box, Jeremy and his fearless friend Lizzie set off on an adventure that includes taking NY subways, flea markets, hula hooping, fortune tellers in Atlantic City, and being escorted in a limo to deliver precious objects to strangers.  Along the way, Jeremy and Lizzie search for meaning in their world, talking to all types of people.  It is a fun, easy read with an ending that gives you pause along with a few tears streaming down your face. 

The book also includes a wonderful Cherokee legend: an old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.  "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"  The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Perhaps, as Jeremy learns, the meaning of life can be found in a string full of individual special moments : your first home run, your first kiss, high school graduation, laughing with a best friend, the day your child came into your life, etc.  Although we know when these moments occur, sometimes we let go of them too soon and forget the wonderful feeling we have inside.  Instead, try to see each of these moments as a piece of yarn and imagine creating the most comforting blanket with them to warm you in times of stress or trouble.  Keep your problems in perspective and know they are only temporary.  This, too, shall pass.  Mistakes and worries are part of life but they do not define who you are.  Instead of concentrating on the negative, remember your own special meaning in this world, created strand by strand by you.  Feed the good and your mind will benefit greatly.

Space Mountain: A Lesson in Honesty and Meant to Be

When you plan a trip to Universal Studios and Disney World, we all imagine ourselves skipping side by side with our kids, laughing and smiling on the perfect vacation.  We see ourselves taking pictures with the princesses, squealing with joy down Splash Mountain, and eating Mickey-shaped ice cream, pretzels, and candies.  Then reality hits...long lines, whining, and feeling generally like you've entered the Twilight Zone.  On our trip this past month, the wait time for Space Mountain was 300 minutes.  Yes, you read that right, 300!  Even Small World was 150 minutes!  Isn't this supposed to be the happiest place on earth?!  Well, don't give up the ship yet...it turned out to be a lesson in "meant to be".

We arrived at 8am as soon as the park opened and ran straight to Space Mountain, our son's favorite ride.  Our plan was to ride it a few times then grab a fast pass to return later in the day.  Plans don't always work out -- it was apparently broken.  So, fast pass it was.  At that early hour, the lines weren't so bad.  We enjoyed Haunted Mansion and a few other rides as we made our way to Frontier Land.   We convinced ourselves that the 30 minute wait for Thunder Mountain Railroad would be worth it.  But as our 30 minutes turned into 90 minutes without any true cause, we started wondering what we got ourselves into that day.  Our fast pass to Space Mountain expired as we exited Thunder Mountain (note: fast passes are now only good for the hour listed).  Our son had tears in his eyes.

We decided to ask a Disney employee for assistance.  She listened carefully to our woe and returned a few moments later with new fast passes that could be used for one ride at any time throughout that day.  YES!  We were golden!  Disney really does try their best to make you happy.  Although the lines grew and grew throughout the day, we balanced waiting with snacks and other distractions, knowing that Space Mountain was in our future without the 300 minute wait.

When we boarded the Space Mountain car later that afternoon, our son was in his glory.  He got the last seat and couldn't wait to be tossed around in the dark. As I boarded, I realized the fast passes were still in my hand -- the attendant somehow never took them!  Could this really be happening?  As any parent who has been to Disney during peak times knows, fast passes are worth their weight in gold.  And the fact that ours did not have a time limit as would have been the case with the first passes we got was incredible.  We could go right back on, walking by lines and lines of people glaring at us with envy.

Our son, however, was not so convinced -- he reminded us that they should only be for a one-time use.  How could I fault his honesty?  Isn't this what we teach our children?  As I put them back in my purse and we waited in longer and longer lines, the fast passes began to burn a hole -- so close but so far.  I started to feel like Clark Griswold from "Vacation" -- Disney owes us!  How can they possibly expect us to wait in these ridiculous lines after we've come so far and paid so much?  We watch their movies and buy their stuff!  Why did we teach our son to be honest?

The Libra in me took over (my husband always said I'd make a great lawyer) as I felt more heat from those darn passes in my bag.  "You know, sometimes things are meant to be," I said, trying to convince him.  "We didn't steal them nor try to hide them.  Maybe Disney wants us to get a bonus ride?"  Our son shook his head, looking more and more like Charlie from the Chocolate Factory, returning the everlasting gobstopper. The afternoon turned into evening and longer  lines became our regular routine.  Tomorrow we would be returning to Boston, back to the cold, school, and work.  Sadness settled in.

As we began to exit the park, Harrison stopped and looked at us.  "Do you really think it could be meant to be for us to go back on Space Mountain?"  The Griswold in me smiled a Grinch-like grin.  As he sat in the front car this time, screaming at the top of his lungs with glee, I knew this was truly a bonus gift.  This was the vacation in my dreams, if only for a moment.  What happens in Disney stays in Disney, right?  Is it better to be honest or look at it as meant to be?  Or to quote Dr. Suess from Cat in the Hat, "Well, what would you do if your mother asked you?"