The Meaning of Life

On a recent trip to the New England Mobile Book Fair in Newton Highlands, I was browsing the kids' section with my son when "Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life" by Wendy Mass popped out at me from the stacks.  OK -- so maybe I'm not the most avid reader since I typically head to the kids' section. Yet, the meaning of life is something we all hope to learn, especially when things are not going as expected.  What could be better on a long winter day than indulging in a good book to uncover one of the deepest mysteries of all time? 

As I cuddled up at home with my new discovery, I learned that Jeremy, nearing his 13th birthday, received a mysterious box in the mail from his father who passed away several years before.  Because the keys are missing and there is no other way to open the intricate box, Jeremy and his fearless friend Lizzie set off on an adventure that includes taking NY subways, flea markets, hula hooping, fortune tellers in Atlantic City, and being escorted in a limo to deliver precious objects to strangers.  Along the way, Jeremy and Lizzie search for meaning in their world, talking to all types of people.  It is a fun, easy read with an ending that gives you pause along with a few tears streaming down your face. 

The book also includes a wonderful Cherokee legend: an old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.  "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"  The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Perhaps, as Jeremy learns, the meaning of life can be found in a string full of individual special moments : your first home run, your first kiss, high school graduation, laughing with a best friend, the day your child came into your life, etc.  Although we know when these moments occur, sometimes we let go of them too soon and forget the wonderful feeling we have inside.  Instead, try to see each of these moments as a piece of yarn and imagine creating the most comforting blanket with them to warm you in times of stress or trouble.  Keep your problems in perspective and know they are only temporary.  This, too, shall pass.  Mistakes and worries are part of life but they do not define who you are.  Instead of concentrating on the negative, remember your own special meaning in this world, created strand by strand by you.  Feed the good and your mind will benefit greatly.

Space Mountain: A Lesson in Honesty and Meant to Be

When you plan a trip to Universal Studios and Disney World, we all imagine ourselves skipping side by side with our kids, laughing and smiling on the perfect vacation.  We see ourselves taking pictures with the princesses, squealing with joy down Splash Mountain, and eating Mickey-shaped ice cream, pretzels, and candies.  Then reality hits...long lines, whining, and feeling generally like you've entered the Twilight Zone.  On our trip this past month, the wait time for Space Mountain was 300 minutes.  Yes, you read that right, 300!  Even Small World was 150 minutes!  Isn't this supposed to be the happiest place on earth?!  Well, don't give up the ship yet...it turned out to be a lesson in "meant to be".

We arrived at 8am as soon as the park opened and ran straight to Space Mountain, our son's favorite ride.  Our plan was to ride it a few times then grab a fast pass to return later in the day.  Plans don't always work out -- it was apparently broken.  So, fast pass it was.  At that early hour, the lines weren't so bad.  We enjoyed Haunted Mansion and a few other rides as we made our way to Frontier Land.   We convinced ourselves that the 30 minute wait for Thunder Mountain Railroad would be worth it.  But as our 30 minutes turned into 90 minutes without any true cause, we started wondering what we got ourselves into that day.  Our fast pass to Space Mountain expired as we exited Thunder Mountain (note: fast passes are now only good for the hour listed).  Our son had tears in his eyes.

We decided to ask a Disney employee for assistance.  She listened carefully to our woe and returned a few moments later with new fast passes that could be used for one ride at any time throughout that day.  YES!  We were golden!  Disney really does try their best to make you happy.  Although the lines grew and grew throughout the day, we balanced waiting with snacks and other distractions, knowing that Space Mountain was in our future without the 300 minute wait.

When we boarded the Space Mountain car later that afternoon, our son was in his glory.  He got the last seat and couldn't wait to be tossed around in the dark. As I boarded, I realized the fast passes were still in my hand -- the attendant somehow never took them!  Could this really be happening?  As any parent who has been to Disney during peak times knows, fast passes are worth their weight in gold.  And the fact that ours did not have a time limit as would have been the case with the first passes we got was incredible.  We could go right back on, walking by lines and lines of people glaring at us with envy.

Our son, however, was not so convinced -- he reminded us that they should only be for a one-time use.  How could I fault his honesty?  Isn't this what we teach our children?  As I put them back in my purse and we waited in longer and longer lines, the fast passes began to burn a hole -- so close but so far.  I started to feel like Clark Griswold from "Vacation" -- Disney owes us!  How can they possibly expect us to wait in these ridiculous lines after we've come so far and paid so much?  We watch their movies and buy their stuff!  Why did we teach our son to be honest?

The Libra in me took over (my husband always said I'd make a great lawyer) as I felt more heat from those darn passes in my bag.  "You know, sometimes things are meant to be," I said, trying to convince him.  "We didn't steal them nor try to hide them.  Maybe Disney wants us to get a bonus ride?"  Our son shook his head, looking more and more like Charlie from the Chocolate Factory, returning the everlasting gobstopper. The afternoon turned into evening and longer  lines became our regular routine.  Tomorrow we would be returning to Boston, back to the cold, school, and work.  Sadness settled in.

As we began to exit the park, Harrison stopped and looked at us.  "Do you really think it could be meant to be for us to go back on Space Mountain?"  The Griswold in me smiled a Grinch-like grin.  As he sat in the front car this time, screaming at the top of his lungs with glee, I knew this was truly a bonus gift.  This was the vacation in my dreams, if only for a moment.  What happens in Disney stays in Disney, right?  Is it better to be honest or look at it as meant to be?  Or to quote Dr. Suess from Cat in the Hat, "Well, what would you do if your mother asked you?"

Kindness: Paying Tribute to Sandy Hook

The Newtown, CT tragedy has had a profound affect on us.  If you were like me, you avoided watching or reading the news, and even Facebook, over the weekend because your heart could not handle it.  Only this week did I get the courage to read the Hartford Courant article with the details of how the school staff tried to protect the children. While tears streamed down my face, I found a bit of comfort in the fact that several children, hiding in a closet at the encouragement of their teacher, survived.  How do we make sense of such a senseless and horrible act?

When grieving, there is very little we can say to comfort one another.  Our words won't take the sorrow or horror away, yet being with one another does ease the pain.  This tragedy seems to have awoken many of us to what is truly important in life.  Parents flocked to local schools, dismissing their children early, and held them in their arms.  Families played games together, had a special treat for dinner or dessert, and were present, in the moment, with their loved ones.  Gratitude abounds, with people practicing kindness, and telling others how blessed they are to have them in their life, including paying homage to teachers.

Something that struck a chord in me was hearing the recent experience of one of the graduates I had the pleasure to work with at the College.  She explained she was in the drive-thru line at Dunk's and when she arrived at the window, she received the card below, discovering that the woman in the car in front of her had paid for her coffee.  She was so moved by this random act of kindness that she went home and made a list of 26 acts that she could do to make the world a better place.

The thoughtfulness continues to spread...I ordered some holiday gifts on E-Bay and instead of receiving an invoice, I got an email from the woman who made the items stating, "Merry Christmas.  Enjoy and do something kind for someone else."  I was dumbfounded.  Could we possibly begin living in a world where kindness and good will takes precedent?

While all of us would prefer to never have had the Newtown tragedy occur, out of darkness comes light.  This spiritual awakening has connected an entire country.  Let's hope it is not brief and fleeting -- we can make it last.  Make your list of 26 random acts to help others, pay it forward, and pass it on.  Inspire others you know, including kids, to do the same.  Hold those you love near and finally try that something you always wanted to do.  Let teachers and those who care for your kids know how important they are to you. The best way to pay tribute is to "do"; volunteer, donate, smile, and give thanks.  Make this holiday season and new year not about the presents, but about connections, togetherness, and heart.  None of us would be where we are today without the help of others.  Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Holiday Traditions - Old and New

Often the best part of the holidays are the traditions you establish with family and friends. Cookies you make, decorating a bit, watching holiday movies together, and games you play are the true magic of the season. Heck, I used to look forward to taking DOWN the Christmas tree with my family growing up because that night we always ordered whatever Chinese food we desired. It was something to look forward to after a sad and dull task. The date doesn't matter -- it is what we do with others that creates the most special memories that touch the heart.

When loved ones pass on, holidays can change but the traditions still remain. Missing your parents’ or grandparents’ special holiday culinary creations? Why not try to recreate one or two with other family members? Of course it may never quite taste the same, but the time and effort you spend channeling those we love and honoring traditions they taught you, is what really matters. Play music that reminds you of them. Yes, you may cry, but you will most likely smile afterwards thinking of a funny event that happened years ago. Put out a special holiday candle, just for them. Place an ornament on your tree in their memory that reminds you of something they enjoyed. Donate items in their memory - maybe dog and cat toys to a local animal hospital or snacks to a homeless shelter right before a big game on tv. Tell your kids and grandkids stories of holidays past. These are ways you keep your loved ones with you and new traditions are born.

Traditions are what are handed down and what we make on our own. If your family and friends lack interesting and fun traditions, create new ones. They don't have to be perfect like a Hallmark card. Strive to be yourselves and not stress. The best times are simple and often just happen. Ask for ideas -- even from the younger ones in your circle. Maybe you'll have an M&M buffet, fall asleep in front of the tv watching a marathon of holiday specials, or go on a car trip to see holiday lights with everyone in their pajamas and bathrobes, sipping hot chocolate.

During school vacation, freak out your teen by sending them an invitation to meet you by the television at midnight to play video games or go for a mani/pedi with your daughter and ask her to pick out your color, something new and vibrant, including a little nail art. Go snow tubing, on a dog sled ride, or some other adventure in the cold to take your breath away. Make breakfast for dinner or eat dessert before your meal to keep the kids wondering. Or volunteer your time together in honor of a loved one and smile up to the heavens - noting this one's for you! Physically gone but never forgotten…until we all meet again.

May you feel the warmth this holiday season and know you are not alone. The love of family and friends, past and present, never goes away.

Searching & Finding

By now you know how fascinated I am by how the universe leads us in particular directions -- those ideas that enter our head and don’t seem to leave, causing us to call someone, go somewhere, or do something unplanned. Love them! They are there for a reason – giving us pause, bringing concepts of fate to the forefront, and providing comfort that life is not so random after all.

Not convinced or rather cynical on this topic? Check out “Jeff Who Lives at Home,” with Jason Segal, Ed Helms, and Susan Sarandon, recently released on DVD. This relatively short and sharp comedy depicts Segal as Jeff (a seemingly unmotivated son living in his mother’s basement) following the “signs” on a quest to find meaning in his life. Who knew his purpose would come by a wrong number caller, seeking a man by the name of Kevin?! You’ll laugh aloud while Segal goes on a journey to find Kevin, meeting strange characters and experiencing odd events along the way. Helms plays Segal’s jaded, selfish brother, also at a crossroads with his marriage on the verge of ruin, who unwillingly gets involved in Segal’s mission. Sarandon is their apprehensive mother, seeking an escape from her boring cubicle/workplace existence and finding it in a very unusual way.

Stand back and reflect on the direction your life has been heading as you watch this movie. Are you finding enough meaning? Engaging the best people? Taking enough chances? Staying motivated despite obstacles that come your way? Sometimes your inner “Jeff” may need attention. Connecting with others and creating goals can help as may just taking a day to go after “Kevin,” something totally unexpected and possibly very rewarding indeed.

Hansel and Gretel's Stepmother was Right

Maybe Hansel and Gretel’s stepmother had a point.  Although her reasons weren’t the best, she suggested that the children go into the wood on their own and gather berries.  Never did she imagine that the kids would actually find their way out!  There is something to be said about parents who empower their kids by creating challenging tasks or adventures. 

 

For some reason, it is an all-too-common trend for parents to limit their child and do most everything for them these days.  If the child is thirsty, here comes Mom to the rescue with a cold and refreshing beverage.  Can’t find their soccer cleats?  An expensive I-phone connects the child with the parent at all times.  If college is the next step, Dad is there completing the school paperwork and even selecting classes.  Heaven forbid that little Sally or Johnny be inconvenienced or have to work harder than their parents did.

“Helicopter” parents who hover over children have given way to “Snow Plow” parents who clear all obstacles in their child’s path.  They make all arrangements and often find it is easier (for them) to do a task than to have patience to teach their child.  Sadly, the results are teens that are incapable of making their own decisions and lack the initiative or know how to fix problems or even minor concerns that stand in their way.  Besides, why bother when Mom or Dad can fix it for you?  

The key is for parents to find a balance.  While cell phones come in handy and can keep kids safe, enabling kids to make their own decisions (without you constantly on the other end) builds much needed confidence.  Put your kids in non-threatening situations and let them figure the way out, just like Hansel and Gretel did.  For example, take them to Mount Auburn Cemetery in Watertown, get them a map, and then have them lead you to popular graves such as that of Isabella Stewart Gardner or B.F. Skinner.  Don’t help them – empower them to figure it out.  See how long you can go without taking over and doing it for them.  Remember, the future lies in their hands.  How capable those hands will be is up to you!

Not convinced that your six-year old can make and serve dinner yet?  Check out a great article from the New Yorker that will get you thinking in a whole new direction.  Stop spoiling and start empowering!

"Fifty Shades" and You

What is it about the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" that has women so interested?  Some say it is the deep connection and passion between Ana and Christian.  Others believe that it is the escape of having a gorgeous, rich boyfriend who can take you on his boat one day, fly you in his helicopter the next, and gift you an IPAD with a song mix as easily as we used to make cassette mix tapes.  Some suggest that women are finally giving in to "mommy porn" as a means to stimulate their staid relationship and libido.  Whatever the reason women are intrigued, it leaves men wondering just what we are up to and why many are adopting this book series as a liberating embrace with our own sexuality. 

After so many women mentioned the book to me, I finally bought a copy and admit that although it was far from the best written book I've read, the relationship between Ana and Christian did keep my interest.  Many gals have told me "I'm in love with Christian Grey" -- hopefully more so because of his intensity and affection then because of his significantly bad habits of stalking, spanking, and control.  I'm more than half-way through the second book of the series and I find myself yelling in my head to Ana, "Girl, get out of this twisted relationship right now!" while I keep turning the pages to find out just where and how their passion will ignite next.

Let's not forget how many men are reading this book, too, as a way to learn what women like and want, but I fear they may misinterpret the mark.  I think I speak for most of us when I say flogging and over-control are not at the top of our lists -- but passion, connection, and attention are. The therapist in me does not find Ana and Christian's relationship healthy to say the least, but I can understand why women keep reading the series and chatting it up with their friends. We are learning that we can discuss sexuality with other women without fear and judgment, making us more comfortable with ourselves, our relationships, and our "inner goddess" as Ana calls her.

What I'm hoping we gain from "Fifty Shades" is to believe in our inner goddess and truly embrace our sexuality, not treating it as something wrong, inappropriate, or to be initiated by men only.   I love reading the italics when Ana's inner goddess feels empowered, loved, and sexy, which is key to making us feel beautiful on the inside and out.  Confidence is what is truly sexy in both women and men.  Unlike cars and jewels, confidence is free, yet it takes the investment of believing in yourself and your abilities.  Give yourself more credit and stop being so hard on you.  You just might be surprised where your inner goddess or god leads you.

Looking forward to our "Fifty Shades of Grey" women's discussion groups on Sunday, July 15th!  We still have a few spots left in the 5:30pm-7pm group while the 7:30pm-9pm group is full.  If interest continues, we may add a few more of these groups in the future (and a possible men's group, too).  The cost is just $10 and includes the most unique dessert you'll ever have.  Hope your inner goddess will encourage you to attend!