Kindness: Paying Tribute to Sandy Hook

The Newtown, CT tragedy has had a profound affect on us.  If you were like me, you avoided watching or reading the news, and even Facebook, over the weekend because your heart could not handle it.  Only this week did I get the courage to read the Hartford Courant article with the details of how the school staff tried to protect the children. While tears streamed down my face, I found a bit of comfort in the fact that several children, hiding in a closet at the encouragement of their teacher, survived.  How do we make sense of such a senseless and horrible act?

When grieving, there is very little we can say to comfort one another.  Our words won't take the sorrow or horror away, yet being with one another does ease the pain.  This tragedy seems to have awoken many of us to what is truly important in life.  Parents flocked to local schools, dismissing their children early, and held them in their arms.  Families played games together, had a special treat for dinner or dessert, and were present, in the moment, with their loved ones.  Gratitude abounds, with people practicing kindness, and telling others how blessed they are to have them in their life, including paying homage to teachers.

Something that struck a chord in me was hearing the recent experience of one of the graduates I had the pleasure to work with at the College.  She explained she was in the drive-thru line at Dunk's and when she arrived at the window, she received the card below, discovering that the woman in the car in front of her had paid for her coffee.  She was so moved by this random act of kindness that she went home and made a list of 26 acts that she could do to make the world a better place.

The thoughtfulness continues to spread...I ordered some holiday gifts on E-Bay and instead of receiving an invoice, I got an email from the woman who made the items stating, "Merry Christmas.  Enjoy and do something kind for someone else."  I was dumbfounded.  Could we possibly begin living in a world where kindness and good will takes precedent?

While all of us would prefer to never have had the Newtown tragedy occur, out of darkness comes light.  This spiritual awakening has connected an entire country.  Let's hope it is not brief and fleeting -- we can make it last.  Make your list of 26 random acts to help others, pay it forward, and pass it on.  Inspire others you know, including kids, to do the same.  Hold those you love near and finally try that something you always wanted to do.  Let teachers and those who care for your kids know how important they are to you. The best way to pay tribute is to "do"; volunteer, donate, smile, and give thanks.  Make this holiday season and new year not about the presents, but about connections, togetherness, and heart.  None of us would be where we are today without the help of others.  Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Holiday Traditions - Old and New

Often the best part of the holidays are the traditions you establish with family and friends. Cookies you make, decorating a bit, watching holiday movies together, and games you play are the true magic of the season. Heck, I used to look forward to taking DOWN the Christmas tree with my family growing up because that night we always ordered whatever Chinese food we desired. It was something to look forward to after a sad and dull task. The date doesn't matter -- it is what we do with others that creates the most special memories that touch the heart.

When loved ones pass on, holidays can change but the traditions still remain. Missing your parents’ or grandparents’ special holiday culinary creations? Why not try to recreate one or two with other family members? Of course it may never quite taste the same, but the time and effort you spend channeling those we love and honoring traditions they taught you, is what really matters. Play music that reminds you of them. Yes, you may cry, but you will most likely smile afterwards thinking of a funny event that happened years ago. Put out a special holiday candle, just for them. Place an ornament on your tree in their memory that reminds you of something they enjoyed. Donate items in their memory - maybe dog and cat toys to a local animal hospital or snacks to a homeless shelter right before a big game on tv. Tell your kids and grandkids stories of holidays past. These are ways you keep your loved ones with you and new traditions are born.

Traditions are what are handed down and what we make on our own. If your family and friends lack interesting and fun traditions, create new ones. They don't have to be perfect like a Hallmark card. Strive to be yourselves and not stress. The best times are simple and often just happen. Ask for ideas -- even from the younger ones in your circle. Maybe you'll have an M&M buffet, fall asleep in front of the tv watching a marathon of holiday specials, or go on a car trip to see holiday lights with everyone in their pajamas and bathrobes, sipping hot chocolate.

During school vacation, freak out your teen by sending them an invitation to meet you by the television at midnight to play video games or go for a mani/pedi with your daughter and ask her to pick out your color, something new and vibrant, including a little nail art. Go snow tubing, on a dog sled ride, or some other adventure in the cold to take your breath away. Make breakfast for dinner or eat dessert before your meal to keep the kids wondering. Or volunteer your time together in honor of a loved one and smile up to the heavens - noting this one's for you! Physically gone but never forgotten…until we all meet again.

May you feel the warmth this holiday season and know you are not alone. The love of family and friends, past and present, never goes away.

Searching & Finding

By now you know how fascinated I am by how the universe leads us in particular directions -- those ideas that enter our head and don’t seem to leave, causing us to call someone, go somewhere, or do something unplanned. Love them! They are there for a reason – giving us pause, bringing concepts of fate to the forefront, and providing comfort that life is not so random after all.

Not convinced or rather cynical on this topic? Check out “Jeff Who Lives at Home,” with Jason Segal, Ed Helms, and Susan Sarandon, recently released on DVD. This relatively short and sharp comedy depicts Segal as Jeff (a seemingly unmotivated son living in his mother’s basement) following the “signs” on a quest to find meaning in his life. Who knew his purpose would come by a wrong number caller, seeking a man by the name of Kevin?! You’ll laugh aloud while Segal goes on a journey to find Kevin, meeting strange characters and experiencing odd events along the way. Helms plays Segal’s jaded, selfish brother, also at a crossroads with his marriage on the verge of ruin, who unwillingly gets involved in Segal’s mission. Sarandon is their apprehensive mother, seeking an escape from her boring cubicle/workplace existence and finding it in a very unusual way.

Stand back and reflect on the direction your life has been heading as you watch this movie. Are you finding enough meaning? Engaging the best people? Taking enough chances? Staying motivated despite obstacles that come your way? Sometimes your inner “Jeff” may need attention. Connecting with others and creating goals can help as may just taking a day to go after “Kevin,” something totally unexpected and possibly very rewarding indeed.

Hansel and Gretel's Stepmother was Right

Maybe Hansel and Gretel’s stepmother had a point.  Although her reasons weren’t the best, she suggested that the children go into the wood on their own and gather berries.  Never did she imagine that the kids would actually find their way out!  There is something to be said about parents who empower their kids by creating challenging tasks or adventures. 

 

For some reason, it is an all-too-common trend for parents to limit their child and do most everything for them these days.  If the child is thirsty, here comes Mom to the rescue with a cold and refreshing beverage.  Can’t find their soccer cleats?  An expensive I-phone connects the child with the parent at all times.  If college is the next step, Dad is there completing the school paperwork and even selecting classes.  Heaven forbid that little Sally or Johnny be inconvenienced or have to work harder than their parents did.

“Helicopter” parents who hover over children have given way to “Snow Plow” parents who clear all obstacles in their child’s path.  They make all arrangements and often find it is easier (for them) to do a task than to have patience to teach their child.  Sadly, the results are teens that are incapable of making their own decisions and lack the initiative or know how to fix problems or even minor concerns that stand in their way.  Besides, why bother when Mom or Dad can fix it for you?  

The key is for parents to find a balance.  While cell phones come in handy and can keep kids safe, enabling kids to make their own decisions (without you constantly on the other end) builds much needed confidence.  Put your kids in non-threatening situations and let them figure the way out, just like Hansel and Gretel did.  For example, take them to Mount Auburn Cemetery in Watertown, get them a map, and then have them lead you to popular graves such as that of Isabella Stewart Gardner or B.F. Skinner.  Don’t help them – empower them to figure it out.  See how long you can go without taking over and doing it for them.  Remember, the future lies in their hands.  How capable those hands will be is up to you!

Not convinced that your six-year old can make and serve dinner yet?  Check out a great article from the New Yorker that will get you thinking in a whole new direction.  Stop spoiling and start empowering!

"Fifty Shades" and You

What is it about the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" that has women so interested?  Some say it is the deep connection and passion between Ana and Christian.  Others believe that it is the escape of having a gorgeous, rich boyfriend who can take you on his boat one day, fly you in his helicopter the next, and gift you an IPAD with a song mix as easily as we used to make cassette mix tapes.  Some suggest that women are finally giving in to "mommy porn" as a means to stimulate their staid relationship and libido.  Whatever the reason women are intrigued, it leaves men wondering just what we are up to and why many are adopting this book series as a liberating embrace with our own sexuality. 

After so many women mentioned the book to me, I finally bought a copy and admit that although it was far from the best written book I've read, the relationship between Ana and Christian did keep my interest.  Many gals have told me "I'm in love with Christian Grey" -- hopefully more so because of his intensity and affection then because of his significantly bad habits of stalking, spanking, and control.  I'm more than half-way through the second book of the series and I find myself yelling in my head to Ana, "Girl, get out of this twisted relationship right now!" while I keep turning the pages to find out just where and how their passion will ignite next.

Let's not forget how many men are reading this book, too, as a way to learn what women like and want, but I fear they may misinterpret the mark.  I think I speak for most of us when I say flogging and over-control are not at the top of our lists -- but passion, connection, and attention are. The therapist in me does not find Ana and Christian's relationship healthy to say the least, but I can understand why women keep reading the series and chatting it up with their friends. We are learning that we can discuss sexuality with other women without fear and judgment, making us more comfortable with ourselves, our relationships, and our "inner goddess" as Ana calls her.

What I'm hoping we gain from "Fifty Shades" is to believe in our inner goddess and truly embrace our sexuality, not treating it as something wrong, inappropriate, or to be initiated by men only.   I love reading the italics when Ana's inner goddess feels empowered, loved, and sexy, which is key to making us feel beautiful on the inside and out.  Confidence is what is truly sexy in both women and men.  Unlike cars and jewels, confidence is free, yet it takes the investment of believing in yourself and your abilities.  Give yourself more credit and stop being so hard on you.  You just might be surprised where your inner goddess or god leads you.

Looking forward to our "Fifty Shades of Grey" women's discussion groups on Sunday, July 15th!  We still have a few spots left in the 5:30pm-7pm group while the 7:30pm-9pm group is full.  If interest continues, we may add a few more of these groups in the future (and a possible men's group, too).  The cost is just $10 and includes the most unique dessert you'll ever have.  Hope your inner goddess will encourage you to attend!

You Are Not Special...

This is the time of year when graduation ceremonies are held --preschool, middle school, high school, college, graduate school – a never-ending sea of commencement celebrations and inspiring speakers.  I wish Ellen DeGeneres or Bill Cosby would have doled out words of wisdom at my past graduations, but alas, YouTube video of them is my consolation prize.  When my husband shared a speech given by David McCullough, Jr. (son of the Pulitzer Prize-winning historian) to the 2012 Wellesley High School graduating class, it really got me thinking…

“You are not special.  You are not exceptional.” McCullough says.   What?!  We’ve been raised to think that all of our dreams are supposed to come true and that we are all that really matters, at least to those who truly care about us.  We’re supposed to celebrate our uniqueness while all being the same, whether it be in a sea of caps and gowns, business attire and briefcases, or rooting for the same sports team (Go Sox!).  I’m not special?  Really?

“The sweetest joys in life, then, come with the recognition that you are not special.  Because everyone is.”  Hmmm… takes a minute to process – but he’s right.  We should not focus on self-indulgence over how privileged we may be or how we deserve something because of how nice we are to everyone.  Life is hard and does not often work the way we desire.  But there is comfort knowing that since we are not special, we are the same.  And that sameness gives you strength more powerful than being special.  It is the strength we gain by talking to others who have fallen on tough times and survived: the mom grieving her lost child, the couple losing their dream house due to foreclosure, the college graduate without solid job prospects in his/her field, or the single woman longing for her soul mate.  

The fact is so many others, special in their own way to someone, have gone through similar circumstances, including promises for a future that didn’t quite turn out as planned.  This doesn’t mean you should give up trying.  Rather it reminds us to make our moments count.  As McCullough put it best, “Like accolades ought to be, the fulfilled life is a consequence, a gratifying byproduct. It’s what happens when you’re thinking about more important things. Climb the mountain not to plant your flag, but to embrace the challenge, enjoy the air and behold the view. Climb it so you can see the world, not so the world can see you.”  

Live in the moment, be mindful, and embrace the opportunities presented to you every day -- whether it is snuggling on the couch with your child, partner, or pet; going on an adventure to some place new; or taking a chance on a relationship.  Destiny may have other plans.  Have faith knowing that you are not alone nor exceptional.  Life takes you in unexpected directions; enjoy the ride, not the final destination.  And knowing I am in such good company makes me feel very special indeed.

From One Mom to Another -- Easy Ideas to Nurture Ourselves and Those We Love

May is a time for celebrating mothers.  Even when there is a specific day set aside just for us, it probably will consist of serving as a taxi driver, personal chef, maid, cruise director, and more for our families.  We feel guilty for putting our feet up and relaxing, even for a few minutes.  When we do take a moment to sit, our eyes drift to the ever multiplying dust bunnies, mysterious stains on the carpet, or piles of things that somehow get left on any flat surface in our home.  Gone are carefree days of sleeping into until noon and singing into our hairbrush.  Yet although we serve numerous roles and time can be limited, nurturing ourselves, together with those we love, can make all the difference.

To quote a wise Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  Isn’t it time to pause and look past the list of things left undone for several hours each week?  Instead of frequent personal embraces with cell phones and computers, be in the moment with family, friends, or just by yourself.   Plan adventures – time to explore new places, check out a restaurant, or try a different activity.  Play games with your kids, making up your own silly rules as a family.  Share the best and worst moments of your day at the dinner table.  Sit close in down time, huddling next to each other just like our pets do with us.  Ask to listen to a song your child likes then start a funky dance or sing-along.  Throw your teen a curve ball by writing encouraging messages on mirrors or windows with a dry erase marker throughout your home, and don’t be surprised when they write back.   Or ask them to come with you on a quest to find the best ice cream or chocolate on the North Shore, stopping at several locations in one afternoon.  

Take time to dream, keeping a small notebook by your bedside with a list of places you’d like to visit.  Include date night ideas, family fun, vacation wishes, books or movies – and when you suddenly find yourself with a bit of free time, use something from your list instead of stressing over searching for a plan.  Laugh as often as you can – including at yourself – and you’ll get your family’s attention.  We are far from perfect (our own mothers remind us of that often enough!).  Don’t encumber yourself and your family with unattainable expectations and over-scheduling.  Instead, mingle with the dust bunnies, make your family your back-up band while you sing away into that hairbrush again, and have fun.   Simple moments can fill your soul and last longer than any self-help guide.   Strengthening the bond and connections you have with others, including moments just for you, can be your Mother’s Day gift to yourself this year.  Go ahead – you deserve it!