Fill Your Soul with "Batman Begins"

When is the last time you watched something that opened your heart and filled you with pure joy?  That was the feeling I had after watching the charming documentary, "Batkid Begins," in Kendall Square this weekend.  It tells the story of five-year old Miles Scott, suffering from leukemia, who, with help from the Make a Wish Foundation and numerous other volunteers, gets to be "Batkid" for a day.  San Francisco is the setting for Gotham City by the Bay.  This wonderful 90-minute feature depicts how it all came together from a simple idea that grew and grew, with outpouring support from thousands of strangers.  In our jaded world where it often seems that everyone is out for something, this was an extremely pleasant change of pace.

The movie restored my faith in humanity.  People just wanted to be a part of this fantastic event and were not seeking anything in return.  Miles got to be Batman's sidekick, save a damsel in distress, and foil the Riddler and the Penguin along the way.  And although it may sound like a sad flick, that is not the case.  Sure, it may bring a few tears to your eyes -- but they will be tears of joy.  You can watch the movie with your guard down and fill your soul with what we all hope mankind can and should be.

After the movie, you will want to volunteer for a cause, donate to those in need, and/or come up with a crazy idea that can turn into something truly wonderful to help others.  If there is only one movie you see this year, make it "Batman Begins!"  I only wish the theater was as full as my heart was after the movie -- so please spread the word so others can appreciate this wonderful, unique experience, too!

I Got a New Attitude!

With the constant snow and cold this past winter, maintaining a positive attitude has been quite difficult.  Even as I write this during the first week of spring, temperatures are well below what they should be, and the frigid air makes it tough to look on the bright side when your eyes are watering from the constant chill.  I keep reminding clients to seek out fun in warm places like Russell's Garden Center in Wayland, an indoor tropical paradise, or to rise above it all by walking in the air at the BeanStalk Adventure Ropes Course inside Jordan's Furniture in Reading.  But let's face it, outside distractions can only take us so far.  It is what is on the inside that really counts to help us face those gloomy, tough days.

You've heard the expression "attitude is everything."  True, it is hard to get motivated when you're down and things have not gone your way.  There is comfort in one's misery - similar to wearing your favorite worn-out sweatshirt. Wallowing in self-pity has its perks, such as eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's or binge-watching Lifetime movies with a box of tissues next to you.  But after being there for more than a day, we often still feel lousy. Taking time for yourself to recuperate and relax is a good thing.  But holding onto a belief system that we should remain inside our own head, feel like the world owes us, or think we deserve to be treated badly, is far from healthy.  That is when your attitude really matters most.  The key is remembering we have a choice as to whether we want to make it better or remain instead in that worn-out, pitiful sweatshirt desperately in need of a wash.

Take this example from the movie, Skeleton Twins.  Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader, play brother and sister going through extremely tough times.  In this particular scene (click for the Youtube video), Wiig is frustrated that life isn't going her way so Hader tries to gear her through song in a different direction.  He tries unsuccessfully for a few minutes, but eventually she breaks down and joins him, realizing that if just one person cares, that is all we need.  "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship, a wonderfully upbeat, cheesy 80's ballad, transforms the situation. Unrealistic? Exactly the opposite.  She certainly could go back to self-pity right afterwards, but that, again, would be her choice.  And where is that going to get her?  Not very far from her couch.

Attitude matters and can make all the difference -- along with just one person (or pet!) who cares.  Our attitude is determined by the choices we make and vice versa.  We CHOOSE our attitude.  It is not always easy but you're in great company - trust me!  Having the courage to change, risking failure, leaving your mark on the world by finding your own meaning, not taking yourself too seriously, making another person's day, and incorporating play into your everyday world are some specific ways to stay afloat in a what can be a weary world.  Life is an adventure where sometimes things go in your favor and other times not so much -- but it is what you make of it that truly counts.

All of these ideas are part of the FISH! book philosophy by Stephen Lundin.  It is a very short book, worthy of your consideration.  It also is this year's Community Read book choice for the Flint Public Library in Middleton so they have plenty of copies on hand.  Stop in and borrow one.

For more ideas on how to incorporate the FISH! philosophy into your everyday life and work, join me on Monday, April 27th from 6:30pm to 8pm at the Flint Public Library, One South Main Street in Middleton, for my motivational talk entitled "Finding Inspiration and Sharing Happiness: Enjoying Life with a New Attitude."  The talk is free and open to the public. And as anyone whose attended my talks knows, the night is always filled with humor and chocolate!  Hope to see you there!

Taking a Chance on Friendship

My forever friend Steven and me when he
 competed in the Special Olympics

When I was in ninth grade, I tutored a sixth grade boy named Steven.  I visited his school once a week and helped him with his assignments.  He wasn't like most students and he often got made fun of by others.  But his sincerity and loyalty endeared him to me.  I believed in him and he never forgot that.  We remained in touch throughout the years, typically through letters and cards, which always ended "Friends Forever." I am happy to say that 35 years later, he is still in my life.  When we saw each other for Christmas this year, we gave each other a gift.  To our shock, when we opened them, we had bought the same ornament for each other - a snowman with "Friends Forever" on it.  Of all of the millions of gifts in this world, ours was the very same one!  Incredible and magical -- just like our friendship.

That's the thing with friends.  You don't really know how special that person is going to be in your life.  You find yourself chatting one day with someone new and years later, that person has a special place in your heart.  You take random chances, trust, and hope against hope that you find others similar to you but with new perspectives.  We long for others who will care about us and help us on our path in life.  Those who have had similar experiences and survived.  And those with differing angles to open our mind when we need it most.

One of the most common complaints I hear is that good friends are tough to find.  We think because we are in the same grade or live on the same street, that we should be "besties."  But that is often far from true.  Great friends are often found in the most unique circumstances.  But because they may be inconvenient and take extra effort, we sometimes let them slide.

Take for instance, when we were on vacation in Tennessee a few years back and my son met a girl similar in age as well as her family at the hotel pool.  We chatted for a long time and enjoyed their company.  My son and the girl exchanged emails, not imagining it would go very far.  Emails turned to FaceTime, and since then they have become dear friends.  We have met them on three more vacations since then, even spending time at their home in Georgia.  We truly enjoy their company and are so glad we didn't toss their email in the trash because they lived too far away.  Today's technology and a little persistence changes that.

When the universe puts people in your path, pay attention.  They are there for a reason.  Follow your heart -- if someone connects with you, then spend some time trying to make it work, even if it is a bit inconvenient.  Sometimes "forever friends" are right in front of us, but we look past them.  They are often different and unique but their heart resonates with yours.  And that is exactly why you need them in your life.

Technology Off, Fears Aside, and New World On

Lagoa do Fogo (Lake of Fire), Sao Miguel, The Azores

My family and I just returned from a wonderful trip to the Azores, more specifically the island of Sao Miguel, part of Portugal.  My husband and I haven't traveled together overseas in a very long time (before cell phones!) and for our son, this was his first trip abroad.  When we reserved a rental car without the need of a credit card, we knew we were stepping back in time.  And when we learned our cell phones did not work overseas, although a bit horrified at first, we were able to quickly remember a time when they never existed but we got along just fine. This was going to be us acting like explorers, conquerors, and just a plain old family looking for fun on vacation.

Yes, we had the privilege of traveling throughout Europe many moons ago without a cell phone or GPS in hand.  We could certainly tackle this little island without them.  "But what if something happens and we need help?," our son earnestly asked.  "Then we will find someone and ask for help, just like we did in the old days," I replied.  Hint to self: don't say "old days" to a teen to avoid having him see you as one of the passengers on the Mayflower.  "You'll just have to trust us," I said, smiling, praying that I was right.

Our adventure began as we stepped into our tiny rental car and took off through the beautiful countryside, surrounded by the gorgeous Atlantic.  The weather was perfect, we were free from responsibilities, and couldn't wait to explore a new world.  Our rental cottage, surrounded by stunning gardens, was incredible, perhaps except for the few three-inch cockroaches we discovered the next day that are native to this land.  I met my inner ninja when faced with "it is either these huge bugs or you!" -- my own National Geographic episode, while my husband was in the shower and my son stared at me aghast.  Never in my life did I think I would conquer such an unexpected situation with style, calm, a big broom, and my husband's size 12 sneaker (I have to thank my son for that brilliant idea).

Over the next few days, we would swim in a thermal pool heated by volcanic waters; ride waves on beaches with black sand; explore volcanic craters that are now lakes; walk mountains so steep that Maria von Trapp would have been impressed; and drive on roads so narrow, you breathed in when the car on the opposite side passed.  I drove over 100 kilometers an hour with wind whipping by, feeling like Mario Andretti (before doing the math when we got back and realizing this was just about 60-mph).  I was thankful for seeing "SOS" call boxes on the roads, a great back-up to our lack of technology, although we never needed them.

We learned that "scoot, scoot" means highway in English when trying to get directions from someone who only spoke Portuguese.  While we couldn't speak the language, we met the sweetest people who tried to help us understand, hand signals included.  Our son learned that he didn't miss his text messages as much as he thought he would and I was able to let go from the ties that bind us to a world where we are supposed to be attached to our cell phones.  You never know what you are capable of until you try, and we have the Azores to thank for this.  Consider putting down your cell phone, embracing your inner Columbus, and going on an adventure where you have to trust in the good will of others.  No need to travel all the way to the Azores to try it (but if you can - enjoy!).  You'll soon be saying "obrigada" or thank you as you discover new abilities you never knew you had.

Capturing a Special Moment Every Day

Taken by Harrison Davis in Gloucester, MA

What do you do during the course of your day that is truly for you?  I don't mean showering, eating, or calls of nature.  Neither do I mean working, errands, or chores.  But rather something that adds value, hope, and a feeling of satisfaction or dare I say, even happiness to your life. Too often we are all caught up in what HAS to get done instead of what we'd WISH we could do. Yet, it only takes a few minutes a day to change your perspective and mindset.  Up to the challenge?

Each night as you lay in bed, take a moment to review what you will be doing tomorrow: the day's tentative events.  Then immediately begin to think about what in your day may bring a smile to your face.  Yes, you may have to go to work or school tomorrow -- but is there something that you will enjoy?  To get even more specific, what moment or event in your day would you photograph to add to a vision board or album of your life?  Make yourself commit to one vision each day (and more if you can!) that means something to you. Maybe it will be a wide smile from someone you helped, the promise of spring among the frost, a wonderful meal or dessert, beautiful sunset, or fun event.  Then take a picture with your mind's eye -- or even better, camera/phone.  The more you train yourself to think about the good, the more positives you'll notice in life.

The "One Photo Challenge" as described by fellow blogger Courtney Carver may be the quickest way to get you thinking differently in the right direction.  She strives to have others live life with purpose and suggests to post one photo (unedited) on Facebook each day of what you want to remember to help clear through the noise and distractions in everyday life.  Then review your photos over the end of 30 days.  Where have you gone and where are you going?  Are you pausing enough to look at what is truly important, and even capturing a remembrance of it?  You just may find yourself thinking a whole new way, for the better.   

Angels Among Us Healing Grief - Part 2

Two years ago, you may recall reading one of my most popular blogs to date, Angels Among Us Healing Grief.  It had to do with our family feeling we received a sign from my grandmother who had recently died. I suppose it is only fitting that two years later, another wonderful sign would return.

Around the anniversary of my grandmother's passing, my mother (her daughter) won tickets to an early premiere of "Despicable Me 2" and my son couldn't wait to attend it with his grandfather.  It was held in Boston and the theater was packed.  A mother and daughter sitting behind my son asked him if he wouldn't mind watching their seats while they went to the bathroom before the movie began.  He said "of course" and they returned a short time later.  They thanked him profusely and the mother handed him a dollar bill and a mini Twix bar in exchange for his assistance. What they didn't know was that this is what my grandmother would give him every time he visited her.  Although my son didn't want to accept their generous reward (he was happy to do it), they insisted and he smiled knowing that Nani Jay was sending her love to him.  It immediately reminded him of her, without any prompting from an adult.  He couldn't wait to come home and share the story that Nani Jay said hello.  It brightened our families hearts and reassured us that she is looking after us.

What my son didn't readily share, however, was the fact that he gave that same dollar bill to a gentleman asking for change sitting outside of the theater.  "He needs it more than me, Bee," he told his grandfather as he walked past assuredly.  Thus, the circle of kindness and good deeds continues, adding a ray of light to what was just a typical day.

Never take for granted a small act of kindness or a quick conversation with a stranger.  Messages lie in wait around every corner if you are open to receiving them.  Whether they assure you that you are on the right path, not alone, or that better days are coming, remains to be seen.  It is up to you to find the meaning.  Don't be too busy to notice or too skeptical to accept them. Days can get pretty dark sometimes.  Momentary connections like these add meaning to life and make all the difference.

Epic Fail: A Cure for Anxiety?

Taking a tough exam.  Going on a date with someone new.  Meeting with your nit-picking boss.  Expensive home or car repair.  Things you can't change and have no control over.  Feeling anxious yet?  Probably -- and that is a good thing.  Being nervous over life's predicaments or challenges is common and expected.  You are supposed to feel butterflies in your stomach before a job interview or a big game.  Stressful events can leave you feeling unsettled.  Knowing you're in good company might help.  It is a part of life that we ALL go through and cannot avoid.  Yet sometimes we spend more time trying to fix situations to avoid anxiety that we end up with other problems, including depression, instead.

Life is difficult.  Failure, at times, is a certainty.  We've all struck out when bases were loaded, sang the wrong words to a song, didn't get the job, or waited for a call that never came.  Yet experiencing failure is what makes us able to tackle anxiety and learn that even though we failed, it was not the end of the world.  "I'm still standing," sang a wise Elton John.  You will not get every job or accolade in life.  The person you have eyes for may not have eyes for you.  And you most likely will not stay in the same career or relationship (including getting along with all of your relatives, not just your partner) for your entire life.  So why spend every day trying to have the perfect life and family when it is not how life is supposed to be lived?  When you realize this and lower your expectations a bit, anxiety often dissipates, too.

People with the best coping skills have experienced trouble and learned they can get through it - on their own.  Yes, we long for a comforting shoulder or ear to listen to us, but we want to be the one who ultimately solves the problem.  When parents or others try to take over, the result can be depression, making us think that we are incapable of doing things on our own without someone else intervening on our behalf.  Allow your child to learn from mistakes without trying to prevent them from happening all the time. The phrase "Epic fail!" was developed for a reason.  Just pick yourself up and try again.  The more you do, the less anxious you will feel.

So be prepared to fail once in a while and be ok with it.  Your nerves will thank you for it.  Trying again is the key.  Kids are born resilient and they will develop into resilient adults if parents let them.  Don't breed anxiety and depression by trying to prevent what is a crucial part of life.

To read more on this topic, including how overparenting can lead to anxiety and depression for the entire family, check out the article, "A Nation of Wimps" in Psychology Today.

Yes, you MAY...!

If you're anything like me, your time is probably spent focusing on others.  Whether it is getting our kids what they need, working extra hours, yard work, cleaning, cooking, etc -- our time is usually devoted to things we have or need to do instead of things we want to do.  Isn't it time to be a little selfish and do something for YOU?  The month of May is the perfect reminder for "Yes, you MAY..."  And I've got the perfect suggestion: schedule a foot reflexology appointment.

Practiced for thousand of years, originating in Egypt and China, foot reflexology is the art of massage using pressure points to relieve tension and stress, and possibly improve circulation.  Last June, my husband, son, and I tried it for the first time in Middleton at Foot Worx Reflexology and we were hooked!

No need to undress -- shorts, Capri pants, or pants that can roll above the knee are best.  It begins with a back, neck, and arm massage while sitting, as your feet soak in warm water.  Then you lie back under a blanket while the practitioner massages your lower legs and feet, applying light pressure to various areas.  Soothing music plays in the background and the experience wonderfully concludes with a hot stone rub.  The best part?  It only costs $30 for 30 minutes!  In actuality, with the back/neck/arm massage, you are typically there about 45 minutes.  And, trust me,  you will not want to leave! 

Want to connect with your teen?  Schedule an appointment together -- or even bring the whole family.  Go with someone you like a whole lot -- your partner and friends will thank you for it.  Need a wedding shower gift?  Buy the couple a session to help relax them before the big day.  But most of all, do it for yourself -- you MAY because you deserve it!  Heck, I've been twice this month!

Foot Worx Reflexology is located at 244 South Main Street (in the Dairy Queen plaza) in Middleton, MA.  To schedule an appointment, call 978-539-8966. 

Stay Strong, Boston

In an anxious time, when fears are realized and your mind becomes a fog amassed with confusion, may you gain strength from knowing that others care.  You are not alone.  Good triumphs over evil.  Don't let the horrible acts of a few change your faith in the world.  Take a break from your technology and spend time with those you love.  Call a friend you haven't talked to in a long time.  Take a long deep breath, and just be.

May you feel warmth and comfort amidst the darkness and uncertainty.  Hold your light high for all to see.  If your loved ones have been affected by the tragic events in Boston, I am so sorry.  May the love and beliefs of so many others who are thinking of Boston right now give you hope in the days ahead.

The Meaning of Life

On a recent trip to the New England Mobile Book Fair in Newton Highlands, I was browsing the kids' section with my son when "Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life" by Wendy Mass popped out at me from the stacks.  OK -- so maybe I'm not the most avid reader since I typically head to the kids' section. Yet, the meaning of life is something we all hope to learn, especially when things are not going as expected.  What could be better on a long winter day than indulging in a good book to uncover one of the deepest mysteries of all time? 

As I cuddled up at home with my new discovery, I learned that Jeremy, nearing his 13th birthday, received a mysterious box in the mail from his father who passed away several years before.  Because the keys are missing and there is no other way to open the intricate box, Jeremy and his fearless friend Lizzie set off on an adventure that includes taking NY subways, flea markets, hula hooping, fortune tellers in Atlantic City, and being escorted in a limo to deliver precious objects to strangers.  Along the way, Jeremy and Lizzie search for meaning in their world, talking to all types of people.  It is a fun, easy read with an ending that gives you pause along with a few tears streaming down your face. 

The book also includes a wonderful Cherokee legend: an old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.  "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."  The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"  The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Perhaps, as Jeremy learns, the meaning of life can be found in a string full of individual special moments : your first home run, your first kiss, high school graduation, laughing with a best friend, the day your child came into your life, etc.  Although we know when these moments occur, sometimes we let go of them too soon and forget the wonderful feeling we have inside.  Instead, try to see each of these moments as a piece of yarn and imagine creating the most comforting blanket with them to warm you in times of stress or trouble.  Keep your problems in perspective and know they are only temporary.  This, too, shall pass.  Mistakes and worries are part of life but they do not define who you are.  Instead of concentrating on the negative, remember your own special meaning in this world, created strand by strand by you.  Feed the good and your mind will benefit greatly.

Space Mountain: A Lesson in Honesty and Meant to Be

When you plan a trip to Universal Studios and Disney World, we all imagine ourselves skipping side by side with our kids, laughing and smiling on the perfect vacation.  We see ourselves taking pictures with the princesses, squealing with joy down Splash Mountain, and eating Mickey-shaped ice cream, pretzels, and candies.  Then reality hits...long lines, whining, and feeling generally like you've entered the Twilight Zone.  On our trip this past month, the wait time for Space Mountain was 300 minutes.  Yes, you read that right, 300!  Even Small World was 150 minutes!  Isn't this supposed to be the happiest place on earth?!  Well, don't give up the ship yet...it turned out to be a lesson in "meant to be".

We arrived at 8am as soon as the park opened and ran straight to Space Mountain, our son's favorite ride.  Our plan was to ride it a few times then grab a fast pass to return later in the day.  Plans don't always work out -- it was apparently broken.  So, fast pass it was.  At that early hour, the lines weren't so bad.  We enjoyed Haunted Mansion and a few other rides as we made our way to Frontier Land.   We convinced ourselves that the 30 minute wait for Thunder Mountain Railroad would be worth it.  But as our 30 minutes turned into 90 minutes without any true cause, we started wondering what we got ourselves into that day.  Our fast pass to Space Mountain expired as we exited Thunder Mountain (note: fast passes are now only good for the hour listed).  Our son had tears in his eyes.

We decided to ask a Disney employee for assistance.  She listened carefully to our woe and returned a few moments later with new fast passes that could be used for one ride at any time throughout that day.  YES!  We were golden!  Disney really does try their best to make you happy.  Although the lines grew and grew throughout the day, we balanced waiting with snacks and other distractions, knowing that Space Mountain was in our future without the 300 minute wait.

When we boarded the Space Mountain car later that afternoon, our son was in his glory.  He got the last seat and couldn't wait to be tossed around in the dark. As I boarded, I realized the fast passes were still in my hand -- the attendant somehow never took them!  Could this really be happening?  As any parent who has been to Disney during peak times knows, fast passes are worth their weight in gold.  And the fact that ours did not have a time limit as would have been the case with the first passes we got was incredible.  We could go right back on, walking by lines and lines of people glaring at us with envy.

Our son, however, was not so convinced -- he reminded us that they should only be for a one-time use.  How could I fault his honesty?  Isn't this what we teach our children?  As I put them back in my purse and we waited in longer and longer lines, the fast passes began to burn a hole -- so close but so far.  I started to feel like Clark Griswold from "Vacation" -- Disney owes us!  How can they possibly expect us to wait in these ridiculous lines after we've come so far and paid so much?  We watch their movies and buy their stuff!  Why did we teach our son to be honest?

The Libra in me took over (my husband always said I'd make a great lawyer) as I felt more heat from those darn passes in my bag.  "You know, sometimes things are meant to be," I said, trying to convince him.  "We didn't steal them nor try to hide them.  Maybe Disney wants us to get a bonus ride?"  Our son shook his head, looking more and more like Charlie from the Chocolate Factory, returning the everlasting gobstopper. The afternoon turned into evening and longer  lines became our regular routine.  Tomorrow we would be returning to Boston, back to the cold, school, and work.  Sadness settled in.

As we began to exit the park, Harrison stopped and looked at us.  "Do you really think it could be meant to be for us to go back on Space Mountain?"  The Griswold in me smiled a Grinch-like grin.  As he sat in the front car this time, screaming at the top of his lungs with glee, I knew this was truly a bonus gift.  This was the vacation in my dreams, if only for a moment.  What happens in Disney stays in Disney, right?  Is it better to be honest or look at it as meant to be?  Or to quote Dr. Suess from Cat in the Hat, "Well, what would you do if your mother asked you?"

Kindness: Paying Tribute to Sandy Hook

The Newtown, CT tragedy has had a profound affect on us.  If you were like me, you avoided watching or reading the news, and even Facebook, over the weekend because your heart could not handle it.  Only this week did I get the courage to read the Hartford Courant article with the details of how the school staff tried to protect the children. While tears streamed down my face, I found a bit of comfort in the fact that several children, hiding in a closet at the encouragement of their teacher, survived.  How do we make sense of such a senseless and horrible act?

When grieving, there is very little we can say to comfort one another.  Our words won't take the sorrow or horror away, yet being with one another does ease the pain.  This tragedy seems to have awoken many of us to what is truly important in life.  Parents flocked to local schools, dismissing their children early, and held them in their arms.  Families played games together, had a special treat for dinner or dessert, and were present, in the moment, with their loved ones.  Gratitude abounds, with people practicing kindness, and telling others how blessed they are to have them in their life, including paying homage to teachers.

Something that struck a chord in me was hearing the recent experience of one of the graduates I had the pleasure to work with at the College.  She explained she was in the drive-thru line at Dunk's and when she arrived at the window, she received the card below, discovering that the woman in the car in front of her had paid for her coffee.  She was so moved by this random act of kindness that she went home and made a list of 26 acts that she could do to make the world a better place.

The thoughtfulness continues to spread...I ordered some holiday gifts on E-Bay and instead of receiving an invoice, I got an email from the woman who made the items stating, "Merry Christmas.  Enjoy and do something kind for someone else."  I was dumbfounded.  Could we possibly begin living in a world where kindness and good will takes precedent?

While all of us would prefer to never have had the Newtown tragedy occur, out of darkness comes light.  This spiritual awakening has connected an entire country.  Let's hope it is not brief and fleeting -- we can make it last.  Make your list of 26 random acts to help others, pay it forward, and pass it on.  Inspire others you know, including kids, to do the same.  Hold those you love near and finally try that something you always wanted to do.  Let teachers and those who care for your kids know how important they are to you. The best way to pay tribute is to "do"; volunteer, donate, smile, and give thanks.  Make this holiday season and new year not about the presents, but about connections, togetherness, and heart.  None of us would be where we are today without the help of others.  Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Holiday Traditions - Old and New

Often the best part of the holidays are the traditions you establish with family and friends. Cookies you make, decorating a bit, watching holiday movies together, and games you play are the true magic of the season. Heck, I used to look forward to taking DOWN the Christmas tree with my family growing up because that night we always ordered whatever Chinese food we desired. It was something to look forward to after a sad and dull task. The date doesn't matter -- it is what we do with others that creates the most special memories that touch the heart.

When loved ones pass on, holidays can change but the traditions still remain. Missing your parents’ or grandparents’ special holiday culinary creations? Why not try to recreate one or two with other family members? Of course it may never quite taste the same, but the time and effort you spend channeling those we love and honoring traditions they taught you, is what really matters. Play music that reminds you of them. Yes, you may cry, but you will most likely smile afterwards thinking of a funny event that happened years ago. Put out a special holiday candle, just for them. Place an ornament on your tree in their memory that reminds you of something they enjoyed. Donate items in their memory - maybe dog and cat toys to a local animal hospital or snacks to a homeless shelter right before a big game on tv. Tell your kids and grandkids stories of holidays past. These are ways you keep your loved ones with you and new traditions are born.

Traditions are what are handed down and what we make on our own. If your family and friends lack interesting and fun traditions, create new ones. They don't have to be perfect like a Hallmark card. Strive to be yourselves and not stress. The best times are simple and often just happen. Ask for ideas -- even from the younger ones in your circle. Maybe you'll have an M&M buffet, fall asleep in front of the tv watching a marathon of holiday specials, or go on a car trip to see holiday lights with everyone in their pajamas and bathrobes, sipping hot chocolate.

During school vacation, freak out your teen by sending them an invitation to meet you by the television at midnight to play video games or go for a mani/pedi with your daughter and ask her to pick out your color, something new and vibrant, including a little nail art. Go snow tubing, on a dog sled ride, or some other adventure in the cold to take your breath away. Make breakfast for dinner or eat dessert before your meal to keep the kids wondering. Or volunteer your time together in honor of a loved one and smile up to the heavens - noting this one's for you! Physically gone but never forgotten…until we all meet again.

May you feel the warmth this holiday season and know you are not alone. The love of family and friends, past and present, never goes away.

Searching & Finding

By now you know how fascinated I am by how the universe leads us in particular directions -- those ideas that enter our head and don’t seem to leave, causing us to call someone, go somewhere, or do something unplanned. Love them! They are there for a reason – giving us pause, bringing concepts of fate to the forefront, and providing comfort that life is not so random after all.

Not convinced or rather cynical on this topic? Check out “Jeff Who Lives at Home,” with Jason Segal, Ed Helms, and Susan Sarandon, recently released on DVD. This relatively short and sharp comedy depicts Segal as Jeff (a seemingly unmotivated son living in his mother’s basement) following the “signs” on a quest to find meaning in his life. Who knew his purpose would come by a wrong number caller, seeking a man by the name of Kevin?! You’ll laugh aloud while Segal goes on a journey to find Kevin, meeting strange characters and experiencing odd events along the way. Helms plays Segal’s jaded, selfish brother, also at a crossroads with his marriage on the verge of ruin, who unwillingly gets involved in Segal’s mission. Sarandon is their apprehensive mother, seeking an escape from her boring cubicle/workplace existence and finding it in a very unusual way.

Stand back and reflect on the direction your life has been heading as you watch this movie. Are you finding enough meaning? Engaging the best people? Taking enough chances? Staying motivated despite obstacles that come your way? Sometimes your inner “Jeff” may need attention. Connecting with others and creating goals can help as may just taking a day to go after “Kevin,” something totally unexpected and possibly very rewarding indeed.

Hansel and Gretel's Stepmother was Right

Maybe Hansel and Gretel’s stepmother had a point.  Although her reasons weren’t the best, she suggested that the children go into the wood on their own and gather berries.  Never did she imagine that the kids would actually find their way out!  There is something to be said about parents who empower their kids by creating challenging tasks or adventures. 

 

For some reason, it is an all-too-common trend for parents to limit their child and do most everything for them these days.  If the child is thirsty, here comes Mom to the rescue with a cold and refreshing beverage.  Can’t find their soccer cleats?  An expensive I-phone connects the child with the parent at all times.  If college is the next step, Dad is there completing the school paperwork and even selecting classes.  Heaven forbid that little Sally or Johnny be inconvenienced or have to work harder than their parents did.

“Helicopter” parents who hover over children have given way to “Snow Plow” parents who clear all obstacles in their child’s path.  They make all arrangements and often find it is easier (for them) to do a task than to have patience to teach their child.  Sadly, the results are teens that are incapable of making their own decisions and lack the initiative or know how to fix problems or even minor concerns that stand in their way.  Besides, why bother when Mom or Dad can fix it for you?  

The key is for parents to find a balance.  While cell phones come in handy and can keep kids safe, enabling kids to make their own decisions (without you constantly on the other end) builds much needed confidence.  Put your kids in non-threatening situations and let them figure the way out, just like Hansel and Gretel did.  For example, take them to Mount Auburn Cemetery in Watertown, get them a map, and then have them lead you to popular graves such as that of Isabella Stewart Gardner or B.F. Skinner.  Don’t help them – empower them to figure it out.  See how long you can go without taking over and doing it for them.  Remember, the future lies in their hands.  How capable those hands will be is up to you!

Not convinced that your six-year old can make and serve dinner yet?  Check out a great article from the New Yorker that will get you thinking in a whole new direction.  Stop spoiling and start empowering!

"Fifty Shades" and You

What is it about the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" that has women so interested?  Some say it is the deep connection and passion between Ana and Christian.  Others believe that it is the escape of having a gorgeous, rich boyfriend who can take you on his boat one day, fly you in his helicopter the next, and gift you an IPAD with a song mix as easily as we used to make cassette mix tapes.  Some suggest that women are finally giving in to "mommy porn" as a means to stimulate their staid relationship and libido.  Whatever the reason women are intrigued, it leaves men wondering just what we are up to and why many are adopting this book series as a liberating embrace with our own sexuality. 

After so many women mentioned the book to me, I finally bought a copy and admit that although it was far from the best written book I've read, the relationship between Ana and Christian did keep my interest.  Many gals have told me "I'm in love with Christian Grey" -- hopefully more so because of his intensity and affection then because of his significantly bad habits of stalking, spanking, and control.  I'm more than half-way through the second book of the series and I find myself yelling in my head to Ana, "Girl, get out of this twisted relationship right now!" while I keep turning the pages to find out just where and how their passion will ignite next.

Let's not forget how many men are reading this book, too, as a way to learn what women like and want, but I fear they may misinterpret the mark.  I think I speak for most of us when I say flogging and over-control are not at the top of our lists -- but passion, connection, and attention are. The therapist in me does not find Ana and Christian's relationship healthy to say the least, but I can understand why women keep reading the series and chatting it up with their friends. We are learning that we can discuss sexuality with other women without fear and judgment, making us more comfortable with ourselves, our relationships, and our "inner goddess" as Ana calls her.

What I'm hoping we gain from "Fifty Shades" is to believe in our inner goddess and truly embrace our sexuality, not treating it as something wrong, inappropriate, or to be initiated by men only.   I love reading the italics when Ana's inner goddess feels empowered, loved, and sexy, which is key to making us feel beautiful on the inside and out.  Confidence is what is truly sexy in both women and men.  Unlike cars and jewels, confidence is free, yet it takes the investment of believing in yourself and your abilities.  Give yourself more credit and stop being so hard on you.  You just might be surprised where your inner goddess or god leads you.

Looking forward to our "Fifty Shades of Grey" women's discussion groups on Sunday, July 15th!  We still have a few spots left in the 5:30pm-7pm group while the 7:30pm-9pm group is full.  If interest continues, we may add a few more of these groups in the future (and a possible men's group, too).  The cost is just $10 and includes the most unique dessert you'll ever have.  Hope your inner goddess will encourage you to attend!

You Are Not Special...

This is the time of year when graduation ceremonies are held --preschool, middle school, high school, college, graduate school – a never-ending sea of commencement celebrations and inspiring speakers.  I wish Ellen DeGeneres or Bill Cosby would have doled out words of wisdom at my past graduations, but alas, YouTube video of them is my consolation prize.  When my husband shared a speech given by David McCullough, Jr. (son of the Pulitzer Prize-winning historian) to the 2012 Wellesley High School graduating class, it really got me thinking…

“You are not special.  You are not exceptional.” McCullough says.   What?!  We’ve been raised to think that all of our dreams are supposed to come true and that we are all that really matters, at least to those who truly care about us.  We’re supposed to celebrate our uniqueness while all being the same, whether it be in a sea of caps and gowns, business attire and briefcases, or rooting for the same sports team (Go Sox!).  I’m not special?  Really?

“The sweetest joys in life, then, come with the recognition that you are not special.  Because everyone is.”  Hmmm… takes a minute to process – but he’s right.  We should not focus on self-indulgence over how privileged we may be or how we deserve something because of how nice we are to everyone.  Life is hard and does not often work the way we desire.  But there is comfort knowing that since we are not special, we are the same.  And that sameness gives you strength more powerful than being special.  It is the strength we gain by talking to others who have fallen on tough times and survived: the mom grieving her lost child, the couple losing their dream house due to foreclosure, the college graduate without solid job prospects in his/her field, or the single woman longing for her soul mate.  

The fact is so many others, special in their own way to someone, have gone through similar circumstances, including promises for a future that didn’t quite turn out as planned.  This doesn’t mean you should give up trying.  Rather it reminds us to make our moments count.  As McCullough put it best, “Like accolades ought to be, the fulfilled life is a consequence, a gratifying byproduct. It’s what happens when you’re thinking about more important things. Climb the mountain not to plant your flag, but to embrace the challenge, enjoy the air and behold the view. Climb it so you can see the world, not so the world can see you.”  

Live in the moment, be mindful, and embrace the opportunities presented to you every day -- whether it is snuggling on the couch with your child, partner, or pet; going on an adventure to some place new; or taking a chance on a relationship.  Destiny may have other plans.  Have faith knowing that you are not alone nor exceptional.  Life takes you in unexpected directions; enjoy the ride, not the final destination.  And knowing I am in such good company makes me feel very special indeed.

From One Mom to Another -- Easy Ideas to Nurture Ourselves and Those We Love

May is a time for celebrating mothers.  Even when there is a specific day set aside just for us, it probably will consist of serving as a taxi driver, personal chef, maid, cruise director, and more for our families.  We feel guilty for putting our feet up and relaxing, even for a few minutes.  When we do take a moment to sit, our eyes drift to the ever multiplying dust bunnies, mysterious stains on the carpet, or piles of things that somehow get left on any flat surface in our home.  Gone are carefree days of sleeping into until noon and singing into our hairbrush.  Yet although we serve numerous roles and time can be limited, nurturing ourselves, together with those we love, can make all the difference.

To quote a wise Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”  Isn’t it time to pause and look past the list of things left undone for several hours each week?  Instead of frequent personal embraces with cell phones and computers, be in the moment with family, friends, or just by yourself.   Plan adventures – time to explore new places, check out a restaurant, or try a different activity.  Play games with your kids, making up your own silly rules as a family.  Share the best and worst moments of your day at the dinner table.  Sit close in down time, huddling next to each other just like our pets do with us.  Ask to listen to a song your child likes then start a funky dance or sing-along.  Throw your teen a curve ball by writing encouraging messages on mirrors or windows with a dry erase marker throughout your home, and don’t be surprised when they write back.   Or ask them to come with you on a quest to find the best ice cream or chocolate on the North Shore, stopping at several locations in one afternoon.  

Take time to dream, keeping a small notebook by your bedside with a list of places you’d like to visit.  Include date night ideas, family fun, vacation wishes, books or movies – and when you suddenly find yourself with a bit of free time, use something from your list instead of stressing over searching for a plan.  Laugh as often as you can – including at yourself – and you’ll get your family’s attention.  We are far from perfect (our own mothers remind us of that often enough!).  Don’t encumber yourself and your family with unattainable expectations and over-scheduling.  Instead, mingle with the dust bunnies, make your family your back-up band while you sing away into that hairbrush again, and have fun.   Simple moments can fill your soul and last longer than any self-help guide.   Strengthening the bond and connections you have with others, including moments just for you, can be your Mother’s Day gift to yourself this year.  Go ahead – you deserve it! 

Handling Change and Stress: Be Mindful

There are so many wonderful people I know going through significant issues right now -- divorce, moving, foreclosure, loss of a loved one, new job, health concerns, etc. Change is never easy. You feel as if you are on a neverending roller coaster ride - with bad news followed by good news followed by bad and so on. Our bodies react in kind -- sweaty hands, shortness of breath, stomachs out of control, tension headaches, backaches, and more. You awaken in the middle of the night, reminding yourself of what you didn't do or what went wrong, instead of congratulating yourself for the other 150 things that you did well.

Here's a tip to stop the insanity (thanks to a recent workshop I attended by my Salem State Alumni friends and Dr. Jefferson Prince from Mass General). Practice "mindfulness." The next time you start to think worrisome, negative thoughts about yourself or your situation, try to concentrate on your breathing instead. Place your hands on the top and bottom of your belly button, and just feel the rise and fall from a few slow, deep breaths. Perhaps think a kind word to yourself such as "love" or "light." Eventually, you will train your mind to concentrate more on the "now" than on what you cannot control. Instead of thinking of what always comes next, try to just "be" for a few moments several times a day. Your mind and body will thank you for it.

Life happens, with much of it outside of our control. Your mind is incredibly powerful; negative thoughts can overtake you. The practice of mindfulness can get you back on track, building resiliency. It gives your mind a much deserved vacation, if only for a few minutes each day. Namaste, my friends. I recognize the divine spirit in each of you. Knowing it can help, won't you do the same for yourself?

Leaping into a Better You

We knew our spring-like winter would not last the entire season -- but we had a really good go of it. A minor inconvenience on Leap Day, a day that only comes once every four years. As I watched "Modern Family" on television last night, I got a kick out of the Dunphy family's attempt to make Leap Day truly special since it is a "gift," an extra day that should be celebrated and not treated as any ordinary day. They planned to take family trapeze lessons, something they never did before. Although flying through the air isn't one of my dreams, my son loves it and has done it several times at Jordan's Furniture in Reading. If you decided to make one full day a gift to yourself, what would you do?

Laze on the couch and watch movies? Nah. How about trying something totally different? You may recall last May when I blogged about my fantasy day of visiting various chocolate shops and sampling a few of their specialties. I've also enjoyed having breakfast, lunch, and dinner in three different states while sightseeing for the day. Getting away for a full day changes the background and reminds us what life is all about. Put down the cell phone, grab your family or friends, and just be together.

Longing for spring? Why not visit Russell's in Wayland on a Saturday morning for their Farmer's Market housed within their warm greenhouses filled with beautiful flowers and plants that make you forget about winter. Study the colors of the vibrant petals that surround you and let their wonderful scents bring you back to your childhood days of pulling up daisies. Or head to Salisbury or Hampton Beach and play arcade games. Or maybe Sky Zone's massive trampolines in Everett or Dedham will bring out the kid in you again.

We all need some fun among our numerous responsibilities. Relationships improve when taking the time to chat with each other on a ride to nowhere or a walk in the woods. Whether it is with your partner, children, friends, or some combination, make some day soon an un-ordinary day to do something you don't normally do. Get in touch with your "Dunphy" side, act a little goofy, and take a chance. Leap years remind us to take a leap of faith and venture into the unknown a bit. Isn't it time to leap a little? For more ideas on places to go, don't forget my list of fun adventures. Just click on the files at the bottom of the page.